What with the raging pandemic, struggling economy, and racial injustice, you’d think that would be more than enough on the plate of any president. Ahh, but we don’t have just any president. We are blessed with a president who is more than willing and able to handle any issue, large or small, that can benefit from his attention. And that is most of them!
Consider this: You watched in awe as our scholarly president straightened us all out on the need to leave those confederate statues alone because, you know, they represent our glorious past. You giggled nervously with delight as he upbraided NASCAR and that ungrateful Bubba Wallace for having the temerity to find a noose in his garage and then make everyone aware of it. You could hardly believe your eyes when he came to the rescue of Goya beans, who any cook worth their salt will tell you is the most excellent, right-leaning bean available and the only one worthy of display in the oval office. And you thanked your lucky stars when he, perhaps most creatively of all, brought to light the brilliant musings of the most underutilized political analyst of our time, fellow game show host Chuck Woolery of the middling 90’s TV show, Love Connection.
Pure genius. We don’t have to understand.
But like any other superhero working today such as Captain America or Tucker Carlson, our president handles so many things humbly and out of sight that even he forgets about them. So, as a public service and to recognize our selfless leader who would not want to bother your feeble minds with such trivialities, I present here the other issues he won’t let go of, I mean, is handling on our behalf.
- Since Black Lives Matter is obviously a hate symbol, the movement will hereby be referred to as ‘Stupid Is as Stupid Does.’ (The president is currently trying to locate Forrest Gump to reserve all rights.)
- As a nod to Native Americans and a sly reference to a healthy spray-on tan, all sports teams currently using Indians, Braves, R**skins, or Chiefs will be immediately renamed to Orangemen.
- The official list of sh**hole counties will be updated to include those ingrates Mexico, Canada, and EU. EU (pronounced “yew”) is one of those newish countries in Europe that won’t pay their NATO bills.
- The president’s new hit action show, Law and Order Portland, starring, well, we’re not sure who’s starring in this, is doing record numbers, the likes of which have never been seen. Unfortunately, Portland’s mayor, who is currently recovering from an accidental lung problem at Portland General, has revoked the filming permit.
- In a long overdue tribute to our proud confederate heritage, the big, beautiful Southern border barrier will soon be reconstituted as a ‘stone wall.’
- Expert jigsaw puzzle enthusiasts will be contracted to reassemble all confederate statues that have lost their way. No nursing home or third grade class will be spared in this exhaustive search.
- Beginning immediately all cancer and heart disease screenings in America will be curtailed. We learned our lesson with all those COVID-19 tests that made us look so bad! Hair loss screenings exempted, of course.
- As a measure to keep attendance at a reasonable level, all frat boy COVID-19 parties will be moved to Mondays since nothing much goes on that night anyway.
- All future redactions in subpoenas, indictments, telephone call logs, and presidential daily briefings will change from black to white, because, well, you know.
- In a related move, white out will be made mandatory at all secretarial schools thereby bringing back good-paying manufacturing jobs to produce this handy, underutilized product.
- Vladimir Putin will be issued immediately a lifetime frequent traveler’s pass to Mar-a-Lago with the presidential suite renamed in his honor.
- In a related move and after a long negotiation, Bounty paper towels will be named official paper towel of the Taliban. They will be shipped to Russia who will make sure they are received in Afghanistan in a timely manner.
- Black Flag will be retired as official pesticide of the White House grounds, because of, well, you know. Plus, the lingering residue keeps Stephen Miller from getting to work on time.
- Governors Ducey, Abbott, and DeSantis will be named governors for life in Arizona, Texas, and Florida, respectively. The president really likes the hilarious ‘Who’s on First’ routine the Texas governor performs with that fat guy Costello.
- Justice Ruth Bader Ginsberg is hereby ordered to immediately undergo experimental COVID-19 testing as a service to her country. What, too soon? She’s in the hospital all the time anyway!
- Quaker Oats Company and MARS, Inc., respectively, have been ordered to leave lovable brands Aunt Jemimah pancake mix and Uncle Ben’s converted rice alone in order to preserve America’s proud carbohydrate heritage.
- To improve efficiency, all elementary, middle and high school back-to-school nights will now be relocated to the nearest urgent care clinic.
- Along with Ghislaine Maxwell, the president is proud to pass along his best wishes to Bill Cosby, Harvey Weinstein, Prince Andrew, Tik-Tok’s Faizal Siddiqui, congressional powerhouses Ted Yoho and Louis Gohmert, and all former White House aides currently spending time in prison.
- In an effort to broaden the number and types of medical voices heard on the current pandemic hoax, the president will not only listen to the crazy lady witch doctor from Texas but also Doogie Howser, MD, Bones McCoy, and Dr. Dre.
- Teddy Roosevelt’s nose and eyeglasses will be slightly relocated at Mount Rushmore to make room for any future presidents who find themselves out of work, indicted, and in need of a little pick me up.
- Along with moving Election Day from November 3rd, New Year’s Day will move to May 1st to take advantage of better weather and Columbus Day to December 25th to give it the attention it deserves. Juneteenth and MLK Day are hereby scrapped.
- Last but not least, last-century game show icons Bob Eubanks, Wink Martindale, and the late Tom Kennedy will join Chuck Woolery as informal “kitchen cabinet” advisors to the president. And, since we’re talking kitchen cabinets, Tim “the Tool Man” Taylor is under consideration as well.
