By Gary Bennett
The sweet season is upon us, and this can only mean one thing: It’s time for the titans of sugary deliciousness and empty calories to square off in what I lovingly call October Orneriness.
Sure, March has its Madness and Candy has its Crush, but no one, and I mean no one, can use those terms without hearing from the NCAA or King, the company behind the candy-themed game. Happily, October Orneriness is open to anyone with a sweet tooth and a penchant for gazing upon the wondrous candy aisle at your local Wegman’s.
Never heard of October Orneriness? Oh sure, like you’ve never raided the kids’ Halloween stash after they’ve gone to bed. That is where this term comes from.
So, without further ado, I present to you perhaps the only October Orneriness bracket you’ve ever seen (or probably ever will see).
Because loving candy is nearly universal (yes, I see you smirking, holier-than-thou fruit and veggie lovers out there), I encourage you to fill out your own October Orneriness bracket, just like with that March thing you do.
Allow me to explain my bracket so you can get some helpful tips on your own.
Just like with any good March Madness bracket, there must be some upsets. You can’t just pick the higher-ranked candy each time. Any good professional gambler or frat boy will tell you that never works out.
I’m sorry to tell you this, but just like in March, some of your favorite candies will not even make the tournament. That is sad, but that is life. Maybe next year.
Among the candies on the bubble but ultimately left out of my bracket are such stalwarts as Whatchamacallit (confusing name), Jolly Ranchers (will break your teeth when you least expect it), Bit-O-Honey (good for the dentist, bad for you), Smarties (look too much like my morning pill regimen), and Dove Bar (inexplicably, the Harvard of candy bars had finals on Selection Sunday and didn’t show).
As anyone can plainly see, I have Snickers going all the way. They are my national champ and personal favorite. Any gambler will tell you not to go with your heart, but I couldn’t help it. Snickers is the No. 1 ranked candy in the land (in sales) and is not to be trifled with. Kind of like the Yankees.
By now you’ve also noticed that my national runner up is Nerds. Nerds?! I can feel your seething astonishment through the newspaper.
I know of no one except 4-year-old boys and a certain 72 Hours editor that likes this candy. But I am not stupid, so, on a hunch, I will take them along on this wild ride! Along the way, I have Nerds taking out the highly underrated $100,000 bar (aka 100 Grand) and the No. 2 ranked candy in the land, Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups. They are the LA Dodgers of candy, with an unlimited marketing and TV budget. Alas, they will take Nerds too lightly and get knocked out in a squeaker. Kinda like Alabama rolling into Nashville to crush Vanderbilt. Not!
Going back to the semi-finals, I have Snickers, with their exquisite combination of chocolate, nougat (what is nougat, anyway?) peanuts and oozing caramel deliciousness defeating a scrappy Twix team, featuring a left and right cookie covered in chocolate and caramel. Their dynamic crunch and exquisite “mouth feel” almost got them to the finals. It could be, however, they are better suited to a cookie tournament.
Somehow, some way, I have Nerds defeating M&Ms in the semis. M&Ms could have won that one, but I don’t like their silly, life-size, talking M&M commercials or their split personality disorder — are they plain, peanut or both? Every now and then they’re even dark chocolate!
In the round of eight, Skittles, Kit Kat and Hershey Kisses make an appearance. Skittles will not overcome their obvious lack of chocolaty-ness. If you’re going to stuff a handful of little candies in your mouth, they might as well be chocolate. Kit Kat is okay, and my granddaughter’s personal favorite, but their little wafers and little crunch cannot overcome Twix’s big cookies and mammoth crunch.
Hershey Kisses is one of the all-time greats, but their day has come and gone, I believe. They are too big to shove a handful in your mouth and too small to be happy with just one at a time. Yes, I said it.
Noteworthy match ups in the first two rounds include Zagnut defeating Baby Ruth (coconut will overcome peanuts for this one time only); Almond Joy over Junior Mints — the latter has never been the same after their hilarious star turn on “Seinfeld” (Google it); Good & Plenty using their scrappy licorice-flavored mojo to squeeze by the messy, Bart Simpson-led Butterfinger team; and Starburst overcoming Pay Day when a cherry one becomes stuck in Pay Day’s throat and nearly chokes it.
The last four in the tournament are candy corn — not even a proper noun and possibly the most hated candy in America; Sour Patch Kids — candy should be sweet, nee must be sweet, not sour; SweeTARTS — see the previous comment; and Laffy Taffy — defeated by Bit-O-Honey in a sticky, floss-inducing play-in game.
Gary Bennett is a longtime Frederick resident who spends his time hiking, biking, volunteering and providing childcare for grandchildren. He is married and retired from his career as a nonprofit marketing executive.
