By Gary Bennett
Folks, you don’t need to surprise your honey with a romantic trip to Paris, Venice or Rome for Valentine’s Day. Oh no, that’s too expensive anyway. Believe me, you’ll feel right at home at one of these romantic destinations I’ve carefully curated for you right here in the good old U.S.A.
When you arrive in one of these dreamy destinations, your significant other will be overcome with emotion. In fact, they won’t look at you the same way again. Plus, some of these towns are so inexpensive to visit, they will actually pay you to come!
I must warn you, though, not all of these towns are large enough to have a romantic bed and breakfast (or running water, for that matter.) But I can assure you, they all have “Welcome to” signs that will be just right for that selfie.
Please note that all these places are real! Only the descriptions have been changed to protect the town leaders and, of course, the innocent. Plus, the real descriptions are lame.
Accident, Maryland
A charming burg in nearby Garrett County. You may want to skip this one, though, if you don’t wish to have one of those kinds of romantic mishaps.
Bangor, Maine
Our northernmost destination (pronounced Bang-er) is snow covered at Valentine’s Day and action-oriented (I mean skiing! C’mon, get your mind out of the gutter!).
Boody, Illinois
This restful, bootylicious heartland community will make you feel like sitting down and taking a load off.
Butternuts, New York
This tiny upstate enclave is named after the tasty squash that is plentiful here (what did you think?). Be advised, you may come away from here with a new nickname, if you play your cards right.
Climax, Georgia
You’ll burst with excitement when visiting this small but satisfying Southern town.
Cockeysville, Maryland
A close-by Maryland destination that specializes in goofy little pet names. Your honey pie will love it!
Conception, Missouri
Like Accident, this one is not for the faint of heart. Skip this one if you’re not feeling lucky.
Conquest, New York
A delightful upstate borough perfect for the goal-oriented, won’t-take-no-for-an-answer folks. (You know who you are.)
Diamond, California
Now we’re talking. This one is for the big spenders among us, or at least folks who appreciate syrupy pop songs from a ‘70s icon.
Flowers, Mississippi
If you’re not ready for Diamond (and who is?), this is your next best bet.
French Lick, Indiana
Home of NBA legend Larry Bird. Townsfolk will be glad to show you around and provide an oral history.
Fertile, Minnesota
If you’re not going to Accident or Conception, I doubt you’ll go here. But I say take a chance! What could go wrong?
Heart Butte, Montana
I can see you snickering out there, but it’s pronounced Byute. You know, like a lovely, shapely mountain.
Heartwell, Nebraska
This destination sounds nice but I’m sorry to say it’s actually full of cardiologists. I include it here for the over-70 readers.
Hell, Michigan
This is the final, frozen-over destination for those love-on-the-rocks, can’t-be-saved relationships. Heck, you can even be mayor here for a day if you pay the price.
Honeyville, Utah
Take your honey to this little hamlet in the Mormon state. Be advised: If you’re not married, a church leader might harangue you about going back home.
Hooker, Oklahoma
Maybe not the best choice for a romantic weekend, but I say give it a try. Be sure to take advantage of the welcoming committee found on most street corners. Bring cash and low expectations.
Intercourse, Pennsylvania
Finally! Slip into the most famous romantic getaway on the list. And, because it’s positioned just up the road from us in Frederick, you’ll be thrust into a great time. Trust me.
Love, Arizona
This is what’s it’s all about, right?
Lovers Leap, Cumberland
This nearby attraction beckons lovers to show how much they really care. Perfect for the nothing-to-lose folks just a step ahead of an angry, shotgun-toting father.
Pee Pee Township, Ohio
If Cockeysville is just too cutesy for you, there’s always this surprisingly tiny community in Ohio that is folded into its southern region. Blink and you could miss it.
Romance, Arkansas
Be sure to visit the world’s largest thesaurus factory in this exciting, joyful, dreamy, starry-eyed, romantic village in the Ozarks.
Roses, Pennsylvania
This burg in the Keystone State is not far from Intercourse. Everyone knows it’s hard to visit Intercourse unless you do Roses first.
Rough and Ready, California
Named after California’s proud gold-mining past (sure it was), lovers here must be open-minded and up for just about anything.
Screamer, Alabama
An obvious choice for you overachievers. But unless you’ve been here before, you’ll marvel at how noisy this town can be, especially on Saturday nights.
Sweet Lips, Tennessee
If Butternuts is not your cup of tea, I wholeheartedly recommend Sweet Lips.
Surprise, New York
There are lots of Surprises in the U.S., but the one in New York was founded by the same folks who settled Conception, Missouri. They got out of there fast.
Truth or Consequences, New Mexico
You can’t get away with anything in this well-named community, so don’t even try.
Valentine, Indiana
Finally, a town worthy of this list that has gone terribly off the tracks. Fun fact: This town was just recently renamed from Greeting Card, Indiana, to honor the handsome agent on the television show “FBI.”
Weiner, Arkansas
Last but not least, this tiny town is pronounced the way you think, and they are damn proud of it. Home to world-famous Chihuahua races and snow birds from Pee Pee Township, Ohio.
Gary Bennett is a longtime Frederick resident who spends his time hiking, biking, volunteering and providing childcare for grandchildren. He is married and retired from his career as a nonprofit marketing executive.